By Daniel Wells | Living Wisdom | June 4, 2026 | 13 min read
Informed by personal experience and published research in psychology and communication science
There’s a moment I keep coming back to.
A moment where something important was being decided — something that directly affected me — and I had a clear opinion. I knew what I thought. I knew what I wanted to say. And I said nothing.
Not because I didn’t care. I cared deeply. But in that moment, the fear of how others might react — the fear of being dismissed, of causing conflict, of being told I was wrong — was louder than everything else. So I swallowed it. Stayed quiet. Kept the peace.
And then lived with it for a long time afterward.
The replaying. The “why didn’t I say something?” The slow, corrosive realization that my silence hadn’t protected the relationship or avoided the conflict — it had just moved the conflict inward, where it sat and grew into something heavier than any conversation could have been.
With family, it happened more than I want to admit. With colleagues at work, it cost me things I can’t get back. Each time, the pattern was the same: swallow it, stay quiet, feel it afterward.
Until a moment came that was too significant to recover from silently. And something shifted. I said to myself — quietly, honestly, without drama — that I had been crossing a line with myself for too long. That I had let too much go unspoken. That something had to change.
Learning how to be more assertive didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t come from a single technique or a book. It came from finally understanding what I was actually afraid of — and deciding that the cost of silence was higher than the cost of speaking.
This article is what I wish I’d had then.
What Assertiveness Actually Is — and What It Isn’t
Before we talk about how to be more assertive, we need to clear up the most common misunderstanding about what assertiveness means — because this misunderstanding is exactly what keeps many people silent.
Assertiveness is not aggression. It is not confrontation. It is not being difficult, demanding, or unkind. It is not the opposite of being considerate of others.
Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, needs, and boundaries clearly and honestly — while still respecting the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others. It lives exactly between two unhealthy extremes: passive (saying nothing, swallowing everything) and aggressive (expressing yourself in ways that disregard others).
The passive extreme feels safe. It avoids immediate conflict. But it has real costs — to your self-respect, to how others perceive and treat you, and to the relationships that slowly fill with things that were never said.
The aggressive extreme feels powerful. But it damages trust, creates defensiveness, and produces the very conflict it seems to generate.
Assertiveness is the middle way. And it is learnable — not as a personality trait you either have or don’t, but as a skill that develops with understanding and practice.
According to research by Dr. Randy Paterson, a psychologist and author of The Assertiveness Workbook, assertiveness is one of the most consistently effective skills for improving both self-esteem and relationship quality — because it addresses the core problem directly: the gap between what you genuinely think and feel and what you actually communicate. Read more at psychologytoday.com →
Why Some People Struggle to Be Assertive
Not everyone who struggles with assertiveness is shy or conflict-averse by nature. Many people who appear confident in some areas of their lives are completely non-assertive in others — particularly with people they care about or depend on.
The reasons are usually deeper than “I don’t know what to say.”
Fear of rejection or disapproval. When your opinion has been dismissed or minimized in the past — by a parent, a partner, a boss — you learn to expect that outcome. The fear becomes: if I say what I really think, they will reject me, or think less of me, or withdraw. And that fear is powerful enough to override what you actually want to express.
The belief that your needs don’t matter as much. Some people were raised in environments where expressing needs or disagreement was implicitly or explicitly discouraged. Over time, this produces the belief that other people’s comfort is more important than your honest expression — that being considerate means being silent.
Conflict avoidance. For many people, the prospect of conflict is so uncomfortable that any action that might prevent it — including staying silent about something important — seems worth it. The problem is that avoiding conflict externally doesn’t eliminate it. It just relocates it.
Not knowing how. Sometimes the barrier is genuinely practical. People know they want to speak up but don’t have the language or the framework to do it in a way that feels clean and respectful rather than aggressive or whiny.
All of these are understandable. None of them are permanent. And understanding which one applies to you is the first step toward changing it.
The Real Cost of Not Being Assertive
I want to spend a moment on this — because the decision to stay silent often feels like the safe choice, and it’s worth being honest about what it actually costs.
It costs you self-respect. Every time you silence yourself — every time you agree when you don’t, say yes when you mean no, let something pass that matters to you — a small part of your relationship with yourself erodes. You are telling yourself, implicitly, that your voice is not worth using. Over time, that message accumulates.
It costs you the relationship. Paradoxically, the silence that feels like it’s protecting a relationship is often slowly damaging it. Unspoken resentment builds. The other person doesn’t know what you actually think or need, so they can’t respond to it. The relationship operates on a false premise — one that becomes harder to sustain and more fragile over time.
It costs you opportunities. In professional settings especially, the people whose ideas get heard, whose needs get met, whose contributions get recognized — are generally the people who speak up. Silence is invisible. And invisible contributions don’t advance careers or shape outcomes.
It costs you your health. Research consistently links chronically suppressed expression with higher levels of stress, anxiety, and physical health problems. The body registers what the mind suppresses. Read more at apa.org →
The question worth asking honestly is: what has my silence actually cost me? Not in a self-punishing way — but as a clear-eyed accounting of what the passive choice has actually produced.
How Lack of Assertiveness Affects Your Mental Health
This is something most articles about assertiveness skip entirely — but it’s one of the most important connections to understand.
Not speaking up is not a neutral act. Every time you suppress an honest reaction, your nervous system registers the suppression. The body keeps score of what the mind swallows. And over time, the accumulated weight of unexpressed thoughts, unmet needs, and unspoken boundaries has measurable effects on your mental and emotional health.
Anxiety. Chronic non-assertiveness and anxiety have a well-documented relationship. When you consistently anticipate situations where you’ll need to speak up but fear doing so, your body enters a low-level state of threat response — hypervigilant, scanning for the next moment that will require you to either speak or swallow. This pattern, repeated across hundreds of interactions over years, is exhausting. The overthinking that often follows — replaying what you should have said, rehearsing what you’ll say next time — is the mind trying to process what the voice didn’t get to express.
Low self-worth. There is a direct line between how often you honor your own voice and how much you believe your voice is worth honoring. Every act of self-silencing carries an implicit message: my needs are less important. My perspective doesn’t warrant expression. I am less deserving of space than others. Repeated enough times, these implicit messages become beliefs — and beliefs shape how you move through the world.
Resentment and emotional distance. Relationships that run on unexpressed truth gradually fill with distance. You cannot be genuinely close to someone while consistently hiding your honest self from them. The resentment that builds — toward others for not seeing what you’re not showing them, toward yourself for not showing it — creates a kind of loneliness that is particularly painful because it exists inside relationships that should feel connecting.
Depression. Research by Martin Seligman on learned helplessness — the belief that your actions cannot change your outcomes — shows a strong connection to depressive symptoms. Chronic non-assertiveness can reinforce this belief: I speak up, nothing changes, so why bother? The passivity that follows is not laziness. It’s a learned response to repeated experiences of ineffectiveness.
If any of this resonates — if you recognize these patterns in your own experience — know that they are not permanent. Assertiveness, practiced consistently, begins to reverse these effects. Not immediately, and not completely at first. But the direction changes. And direction is what matters. Read more at mind.org.uk →
These steps are drawn from cognitive behavioral research, communication psychology, and personal experience. They are not quick fixes. They are genuine shifts — some of which take time and feel uncomfortable before they feel natural.
Step 1: Understand What You Actually Think and Feel Before You Speak
This sounds obvious. It isn’t.
Many people who struggle with assertiveness have spent so long suppressing their honest reactions that they’ve lost some access to them. They know they’re uncomfortable, or that something doesn’t feel right — but they haven’t developed the habit of asking themselves clearly: what do I actually think about this? What do I actually want or need here?
Before you can express yourself assertively, you need to know what you’re expressing. This means developing the practice of checking in with yourself — particularly in situations where you historically go quiet. Pause. Ask: what do I think? What do I feel? What would I want to say if I weren’t afraid?
The answer to that last question is the content of assertive communication. It’s the thing you’ve been swallowing.
Try this: The next time you’re in a situation where you feel the pull toward silence, take thirty seconds before responding (or not responding). Ask yourself: what do I actually think about this? Write it down afterward if it helps. The goal is to become more fluent in your own honest reactions.
Step 2: Separate the Fear From the Reality
The fear that keeps most people silent is a prediction — a story about what will happen if you speak up. They will be angry. They will dismiss me. They will think I’m difficult. They will pull away.
These predictions are not facts. They are fears. And fears, however vivid, are not reliable forecasters.
The most important cognitive shift in learning to be assertive is learning to ask: is this fear a reasonable prediction based on evidence, or is it an old pattern that I’m applying to a current situation?
Often, the fear is inherited from past experiences with specific people who did dismiss or reject us when we expressed ourselves. But those people are not everyone. The colleague you’re afraid to push back to is not your parent. The friend you’re afraid to say no to is not the boss who punished you for having an opinion.
Testing the prediction — actually speaking up and seeing what happens — is the only way to update it. And what most people find, when they start speaking up with clarity and respect, is that the feared reaction happens far less often than they expected.
Try this: Think of a recent situation where you stayed silent. Write down the specific prediction that kept you quiet: “If I say X, they will Y.” Then ask: what is the evidence for this prediction? Has this specific person actually responded this way before? Is this fear based on evidence or on habit?
Step 3: Use “I” Statements — Not “You” Accusations
One of the most practical tools in assertive communication is also one of the simplest: speak from your own experience rather than from a judgment of the other person’s behavior.
The difference between “You never listen to me” and “I feel unheard in this conversation” is not cosmetic. The first puts the other person on the defensive immediately. The second opens a conversation.
Assertive communication is not about winning or being right. It’s about being honest and being heard. And the language that produces that outcome consistently is language that describes your own experience — what you feel, what you need, what you observed — rather than language that assigns blame or motive to others.
The formula is simple: “I feel [emotion] when [specific situation] because [impact]. What I need is [specific request].”
This is not a magic script. It’s a framework for keeping the conversation in a place where genuine exchange is possible.
Try this: Take something you’ve been wanting to say to someone in your life. Write it first in “you” language — the accusatory version. Then rewrite it in “I” language — the honest, non-blaming version. Notice how different the two feel, and how differently they’re likely to be received.
Step 4: Start Small — Not With the Hardest Conversation
One of the most common mistakes people make when they decide to become more assertive is starting with the most difficult relationship or the most charged topic. This almost always backfires — not because assertiveness is wrong, but because the skills aren’t developed enough yet to handle the highest-stakes situation.
Assertiveness is a muscle. It needs to be built incrementally. Start with low-stakes situations where the cost of getting it wrong is low: expressing a preference about where to eat, disagreeing mildly with a colleague’s point in a meeting, asking for something you need from someone you trust.
Each successful small assertion builds two things: the skill itself, and the evidence that speaking up doesn’t always produce the feared outcome. That evidence is what eventually makes it possible to tackle the harder conversations.
Building self-confidence is directly connected to this process. Every time you speak up and the world doesn’t end — every time you express a genuine opinion and the relationship survives — you add to a body of evidence that your voice is safe to use. That evidence is the foundation of genuine confidence.
Try this: Identify three low-stakes situations this week where you can practice expressing a genuine opinion or preference. Do all three. Notice what happens. Let the evidence accumulate.
Step 5: Learn to Say No — Without Apologizing for It
“No” is a complete sentence. This is true even though it doesn’t feel that way.
Most non-assertive people have an extraordinarily difficult relationship with no. They say yes when they mean no. They say yes and then resent it. They say maybe when they mean no. They over-explain and over-apologize when they do manage to decline, as if the no itself requires justification.
It doesn’t. You are allowed to decline requests, set limits, and protect your time and energy — without an elaborate explanation of why, without apologizing for having needs, and without making the other person feel better about your refusal.
A clean, respectful no looks like: “I’m not able to do that.” Or: “That doesn’t work for me.” Or simply: “No, thank you.”
What it doesn’t look like is: “I’m so sorry, I really wish I could, I feel terrible saying this, I hope you’re not upset, maybe another time if things change…”
The over-explanation signals that you believe your no is wrong and needs defending. The clean no signals that your no is simply your answer — and that it deserves the same respect as yes.
Learning how to set boundaries is the broader context for this. Saying no is not a single skill — it’s part of a larger practice of knowing what you’re willing to give and what you’re not, and communicating that honestly.
Try this: The next time you want to say no to something, practice saying it without the apology. Just: “That doesn’t work for me.” If an explanation feels necessary, give one brief, honest sentence — not a paragraph of justification.
Step 6: Handle Pushback Without Collapsing or Escalating
This is where assertiveness gets genuinely hard — and where most people either cave or fight.
When you start speaking up more honestly, some people will push back. They’re used to you being agreeable. They’ve benefited from your silence. Your new voice is unfamiliar and, to some people, unwelcome.
The assertive response to pushback is neither to immediately back down (passive) nor to escalate into argument (aggressive). It’s to hold your position calmly, acknowledge the other person’s perspective, and repeat your point clearly.
This is called the “broken record” technique in CBT — not because you’re being rigid, but because you’re being consistent. You’re not abandoning your position under social pressure, but you’re also not attacking the other person for disagreeing.
It sounds like: “I understand you see it differently. My position is still [X].” Or: “I hear what you’re saying. I still need [Y].”
What makes this possible is genuinely believing that you have the right to hold your position even when someone disagrees with it. You don’t have to win the argument. You don’t have to convince them. You just have to stay steady in what you honestly think and need.
Try this: Before your next difficult conversation, prepare for pushback. Write down how you’ll respond if the other person disagrees strongly. Practice the words: “I understand. My position is still…” Say it out loud a few times until it feels less frightening.
Step 7: Be Patient With Yourself — This Takes Time
The final step is the one most people skip: giving themselves permission to be imperfect at this for a while.
Assertiveness is a new behavior pattern replacing an old one that has been in place, in some cases, for decades. It will not feel natural immediately. You will sometimes speak up and feel terrible afterward, even when you said the right thing. You will sometimes revert to silence in high-pressure moments. You will have conversations that go badly despite your best efforts.
All of this is normal. None of it means you’re failing. It means you’re learning something genuinely difficult.
What matters is not perfection — it’s direction. Every time you choose the honest expression over the comfortable silence, you move in the right direction. Every time you pick yourself up after reverting and try again, you’re building something real.
Practicing self-compassion is essential here. The voice that says “I should be better at this by now” is not helping you. The voice that says “I’m learning something hard and I’m making progress” is the one that will actually get you there.
Try this: At the end of each week, write down one moment where you spoke up when you would previously have stayed silent. Just one. Acknowledge it. Let it count. Let it be evidence of who you’re becoming.
Assertiveness at Work — A Special Note
The workplace is where many people feel the most constrained in expressing themselves — because the power dynamics are real, the stakes feel high, and the fear of professional consequences is legitimate.
A few principles that help specifically in professional settings:
Prepare before important conversations. Know what you want to say before you’re in the room. Write it down if it helps. The preparation doesn’t make the conversation scripted — it makes you less likely to go blank or revert to silence under pressure.
Focus on impact, not blame. “When this happens, the result for me is X” is more effective in professional settings than anything that sounds like a complaint or accusation. It keeps the conversation in problem-solving territory.
Choose the right moment. Assertive communication is more effective when the other person is not already defensive or overwhelmed. Timing matters. A conversation that would go badly in the heat of a difficult meeting might go well in a quieter, lower-pressure moment.
Know when to escalate. Some situations genuinely require going above someone or involving HR or a third party. Assertiveness means using the appropriate channel — not just speaking up to the person in front of you, but speaking up through whatever channel is most likely to produce the right outcome.
Frequently Asked Questions About How to Be More Assertive
Is assertiveness the same as being confident? They’re related but not identical. Confidence is a feeling — the sense that you are capable and worthy. Assertiveness is a behavior — the act of expressing yourself honestly. You can practice assertiveness even when you don’t feel confident, and the practice of assertiveness over time builds genuine confidence.
What if being assertive damages my relationships? Genuine assertiveness — expressed with respect and honesty — rarely damages healthy relationships. It may create temporary discomfort while people adjust to your new behavior. Relationships that cannot survive your honest, respectful expression were not as healthy as they appeared.
How do I be assertive without being aggressive? By focusing on your own experience rather than judging the other person’s behavior, by staying calm rather than escalating, and by holding your position without attacking theirs. Tone and timing matter enormously.
What if I try to speak up and they don’t listen? Sometimes people don’t listen — and that tells you something important about the relationship or the dynamic. Assertiveness doesn’t guarantee being heard. It guarantees that you have honored your own truth. What the other person does with it is beyond your control.
Is it too late to become more assertive? No. Assertiveness is a skill that can be developed at any age, in any circumstance. The patterns are deep, but they are not permanent. Change is possible — it just requires consistent practice over time.
How long does it take to become more assertive? Most people notice meaningful shifts within a few weeks of consistent practice. Deeper changes — in situations that have historically been most difficult — typically take several months of deliberate effort. The process is gradual, not sudden.
A Final Word — Your Voice Was Never the Problem
I want to end with something that took me a long time to actually believe.
The voice I was swallowing wasn’t the problem. The fear that told me it was dangerous to use it was the problem.
My opinions, my needs, my honest reactions — they were not too much. They were not wrong to have. They were not the cause of the conflicts I was afraid of creating. They were simply true — and truth, expressed with respect, is not a weapon. It’s an offering.
The moment I decided that I had been crossing a line with myself for too long — that I had let too much go unspoken — was not a dramatic moment. It was quiet. But it was real. And it changed the direction of something.
Your voice deserves to be used. Not loudly, not aggressively, not at the expense of others — but clearly, honestly, and consistently. In the conversations that matter. With the people who matter. On the things that actually affect you.
That is not too much to ask. It is exactly the right amount.
— Daniel Wells, Living Wisdom
Further Reading on Living Wisdom:
- How to Set Boundaries: When You Say Yes but Mean No
- How to Build Self Confidence: 7 Powerful Steps From Within
- Self Compassion Exercises: 7 Powerful Ways to Be Kinder to Yourself
- How to Forgive Yourself: 7 Honest Steps to Finally Let Go
- Overthinking Therapy: 7 Proven Techniques to Finally Quiet Your Mind
- How to Deal With Loneliness: 7 Honest Ways to Find Peace
- 10 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship You Should Never Ignore
Medical Disclaimer: This article is for informational and educational purposes only. It reflects the author’s personal experience combined with published psychological research. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing significant mental health difficulties, please consult a qualified mental health professional.
Sources & References:
- Paterson, R. J. (2000). The Assertiveness Workbook. New Harbinger Publications.
- Alberti, R., & Emmons, M. (2017). Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (10th ed.). Impact Publishers.
- Burns, D. D. (1999). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Avon Books.
- Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
- Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
- Psychology Today. Assertiveness. psychologytoday.com
- American Psychological Association. Stress and suppression. apa.org
- Mind. Assertiveness. mind.org.uk
- NHS. How to be more assertive. nhs.uk
- Greater Good Science Center. Communication and relationships. greatergood.berkeley.edu
- Verywell Mind. Assertiveness skills. verywellmind.com
